In a flurry of double negatives, here’s a list of do-not-dos during the Zombie Apocalypse:
Do not get locked in a Big-Brother-style house with a bunch of vapid fools…
but DO WATCH Dead Set just in case you do. And then hope you never have to live through the harrowing scenario played out in the show’s ending! Love it so much!
Do not get locked in a department store.
But if you do – stay there! Am I right, George Romero’s Dawn of the Dead? Also you should aim to have Sarah Polley with you, because she’s awesome.
Do not get locked in a dilapidated building with shady cops and a bunch of nasty criminals if you should happen to be in France, says The Horde.
Do not forget about culturally insensitive appropriations of hoodoo zombies as per Wes Craven’s The Serpent and the Rainbow. The plot revolves around Bill Pullman playing an anthropologist. They’re kind of like sociologists but not at all, so out of scientific affinity, check it out and get scared about the promo line “Don’t bury me! I’m not dead”.
Do not engage in ongoing, heated debates with your siblings about whether or not zombies should be able to run nowadays even though they didn’t do so in the past, as I have done over recent years. Although, for the record, neuroscientists Bradley Voytek and Timothy Verstynen’s research might suggest that the answer lies in the physiological brain differences between the fast and slow zombies. Whether fast or slow – if you see a zombie -this zombie sociologist suggests you just run.
Whatever you do: do not stop to dance with the zombies. You’re not Michael Jackson.
Did I miss anything important? Please don’t bother telling me that if I was serious about enhancing public zombie awareness I would have referenced the original Night of the Living Dead. This is an important zombie text, but the data it presents are outdated. Zombie Sociologists now know that zombies will attack us from all over the place, not just cemeteries. Or Pet Cementaries even. (Even though Edward Furlong looks adorable in the sequel.) Also, going back to my rant – please don’t expect me to quote ’They’re coming to get you Barbara’. Those sorts of zombie clichés will get you eaten alive!
Need to learn more? Of course you do – we all do. Too much zombie knowledge is never enough. You can read the other posts in this series, the Sociology of Zombies and Resources to Help You Prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse.